Me right now
It’s Wednesday, its beautiful and I am in my front yard cleaning up a bit. I have had a massage client, I went and taught yoga at the recovery center I teach at every Wednesday and now I am just hanging out before I figure out whats next. Maybe a walk with the dogs, maybe a plunge in Lake Michigan, maybe things will get wild and I will do both. But right now I am cleaning the front yard. I happen to see a neighbor I have not seen in a few months, the cold midwestern weather can keeps some folks in, I wave and say “How’s it going?” she replies “Just busy and miserable as usual, how are you?” I paused for a second and said “Same”. The thoughts that ran through my head in that second was “she definitely doesn’t wanna hear you say you’re great or that you are feeling good”. So, I lied to be more relatable. Why?
The truth is is that I have spent the better part of 30 years being stressed out and overworked. I have raised kids as a single mom, I have had 2-3 jobs at a time, I had the asshole boss, asshole husband and asshole boyfriend, I put in “my time”. So what is the problem with saying I am GOOD? Do I live in a time and place that feels more connected to the bad than the good? Is that what I want and what I strive to make “normal”? No.
So here is the truth, I am great. I feel good, I am grounded and less frazzled than years passed. I miss Presley every day. But his loss makes a blaring loud daily reminder that our days our numbered and I choose to go all in on my happiness. This doesn’t mean I get to bypass the feelings that come with loss, with being a mom of a teenager or a 20 something. No. I am still very much a mom. But, I am also feeling back into being Anna. Whoever she is today.
Some days my head spins, some days I cry a lot, some days I choose tv all day. But, I am taking back my days. The days of overworking, overthinking and overcommitting are being replaced with feeling, breathing, settling and my truth. Will it last forever? I have no clue.. I hope..but I also know the nature of life is like a swinging pendulum. But for now, this is my truth.
So for all the Mom’s out there, the new moms, the mom’s with older kids, the stressed mom, the working mom, the stay at home mom, I know some days are hard. I know some days feel like they will just never end. But, the truth is things will get better, lighter and more clear. And then, something happens again to rock our foundation a bit. I guess thats just the school of life. Thats the way the curriculum was written. But in those moments when you feel a little frazzled, remember to breath. You don’t have to close your eyes and sit on a cushion in a picture perfect spot, Breath at the red light, breath when you are rocking your kids to sleep, breath at the baseball game. Just breath.
And if all else fails, schedule a massage. ;)
